Actual transcript (as best I could remember it) of a phone call I took while hiking at Griffith Park this morning. Normally, since I was hiking I’d have let it go straight to voicemail, but I was waiting for an important phone call. And this wasn’t it:

DB (me): Hello?

PHONE: Hi, I’m calling from Disney’s El Capitan Theater to see if you received the mail we sent you!

DB: How did you get this number?

PHONE: Did you get our beautiful full color flyer announcing the Race to Witch Mountain?

DB: Which mountain is that?

PHONE: (silence)

DB: I can’t help you if you don’t tell me which mountain.

PHONE: The Race to Witch Mountain.

DB: I don’t know, you’re the one who called me, you tell me which mountain.

PHONE: No, the movie. Race to Witch Mountain.

DB: Who’s on second?

PHONE: Um… It’s only one movie, but I can tell you about future shows if you’d like. Did you receive our mailing about the movie which is called “Race to Witch Mountain”?

DB: Who is this?

PHONE: (silence)

DB: Hello?

PHONE: Can… Do you have a son or daughter or grandson around I can talk to, sir?

DB: They’re dead. Zoo accident. Feathers… screaming… I don’t like to talk about it.

PHONE: I’m sorry, sir.

DB: (silence)

PHONE: So, I was asking, did you receive our beautiful full color brochure about El Capitan’s “Race to Witch Mountain”?

DB: Yes, I got your brochure, and I’m very glad you called because I have some questions that I think only you could answer.

PHONE: I’d be very happy to, sir!

DB: My question is a three part question, really.

PHONE: Go right ahead!

DB: Where do you guys get your hot dogs, because they’re the best hot dogs I’ve ever had in my whole life. Also, are you seriously calling me to ask whether I got the junk mail you sent me? When did THAT start? And lastly, how did you get this number?

PHONE: (silence)

DB: Y’know, because this is really weird. Here I am hiking in a beautiful park, and all of a sudden I get a phone call from someone asking if I got their junk mail. Doesn’t that seem a little weird to you? Please take me off your phone list. Please.

PHONE: Thank you, sir, and if you have any more questions about “Race to Witch Mountain” or you would like to order tickets, feel free to call the number in your brochure.

DB: Is there a number for hot dogs? I do really like those.

PHONE: (click)

Every once in a while I feel like putting together an extra-long story. It’s fun to do, and for people who like long storylines, it’s fun to read. But there are some people – and you know who you are – who have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to comic strips. Some people like a quick, self contained joke, and even if every strip in a long series has its own self-contained punchline, if there’s even a hint that it’s part of an ongoing storyline, some people get itchy, they get a nagging urge to pull their hair out at the root, and they feel like a little kid is holding his finger a centimeter from their ears saying “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you…” I’m a Babylon 5 fan. I’m a Farscape fan. I love long, ongoing stories. I don’t get you people at all, but I do grudgingly acknowledge your existence.

Today, I counted the responses to the vampire story arc and – using my way-too-rusty math skills – about .05% of you fit the above description. I never shorten my stories for the sake of the impatient, but the last thing I want to do is piss you off. So if you just can’t take it, you’d be better off waiting a week or two ’til it’s over. Then come back and read through the whole thing in one sitting, as if it’s a comic book. It won’t feel excruciating to you, and I guarantee you’ll enjoy it more.

For the 99.95% of you who tell me you can’t wait to see where this is going, read on…