The saying is wrong. Deaths happen in fives, not threes. First Ed McMahon, then Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson, then Billy Mays and his beard*, and finally, my iPhone. I picked up the phone about 1/2 hour ago and saw the white screen of death.

First came denial: Maybe I’d somehow booted up my “Flashlight” app. Or maybe it was the glare of the California sun. Maybe Al Qaida was jamming iPhones on Hollywood Boulevard and as soon as I turned the corner I would see my beloved home screen again.

Then came the anger: I paid $300 for this piece of shit just eight months ago! I was just minding my own business, walking home with my Hawaiian Barbecue. I didn’t hurt anybody! What business does it have crapping out on me in the middle of a busy street! Steve Jobs is going to pay for this! He’s going to paaaayyy!!!!!

Bargaining: I’m going to turn the phone off and wait ten seconds before rebooting it. If that works, I swear that after this meal, I will never eat meat again on a Tuesday evening from that particular barbecue place. For at least a week.

Then came depression: It’s no use. I can’t even turn it off. And now there are strange gray lines on the right side of the screen. Even Phaktor’s solution didn’t work. There’s nothing I can do. I’ll never save all my voice memos and that photo of a fire hydrant I took earlier today. They’re gone forever, like they never even existed in the first place. What’s the point of it all? There is no point. Because there is no phone.

Finally, acceptance: It’s no coincidence the phone died right now, just a week after the brand new video-capable iPhone 3Gs hit the streets. It’s a sign. I shall take it to the Apple Store, and if they tell me it cannot be fixed, as I know they shall, I will buy a new 32GB iPhone 3Gs. It’s the circle of life. Hakuna matata, old dead iPhone 3G. Hakuna matata.

*I’m posting this clip in tribute to my dear departed iPhone 3G:

***EDIT – And no, I’m not getting paid for posting this clip, I just find Billy Mays sticking his head in a box of kitty litter to be particularly funny.***