Great news, movie fans! Now you can work as an extra in a new Wil Ferrell/Woody Harrelson/Andre 3000 movie, and you don’t even have to pay them for the privilege! And look how fun they make it sound! You get food! Maybe, if you’re really really lucky, you’ll win a prize and get to catch a glimpse of some dudes you’ve already seen on TV! Did I mention you don’t even have to pay them for the hours of work you’ll be doing for them?There’s no shortage of ways to get screwed in this world.

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Like most Americans, I care whether I live or die — which means, by extension, I care about the state of our nation’s health care system. So when I heard Michael Moore was going to appear on Larry King Live to discuss the failings and possible fixes for that system, I dutifully set my TiVo. What did I find when I tried to watch it? They’d bumped Michael Moore off the show so Larry could waste an hour chatting with Paris Hilton.”CNN: the most trusted name in nonsense.”

…Yeah, that was so much more relevant to our lives than what we could have gotten.

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I would so definitely see this…

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Actual transcript (as best I could remember it) of a phone call I took while hiking at Griffith Park this morning. Normally, since I was hiking I’d have let it go straight to voicemail, but I was waiting for an important phone call. And this wasn’t it:

DB (me): Hello?

PHONE: Hi, I’m calling from Disney’s El Capitan Theater to see if you received the mail we sent you!

DB: How did you get this number?

PHONE: Did you get our beautiful full color flyer announcing the Race to Witch Mountain?

DB: Which mountain is that?

PHONE: (silence)

DB: I can’t help you if you don’t tell me which mountain.

PHONE: The Race to Witch Mountain.

DB: I don’t know, you’re the one who called me, you tell me which mountain.

PHONE: No, the movie. Race to Witch Mountain.

DB: Who’s on second?

PHONE: Um… It’s only one movie, but I can tell you about future shows if you’d like. Did you receive our mailing about the movie which is called “Race to Witch Mountain”?

DB: Who is this?

PHONE: (silence)

DB: Hello?

PHONE: Can… Do you have a son or daughter or grandson around I can talk to, sir?

DB: They’re dead. Zoo accident. Feathers… screaming… I don’t like to talk about it.

PHONE: I’m sorry, sir.

DB: (silence)

PHONE: So, I was asking, did you receive our beautiful full color brochure about El Capitan’s “Race to Witch Mountain”?

DB: Yes, I got your brochure, and I’m very glad you called because I have some questions that I think only you could answer.

PHONE: I’d be very happy to, sir!

DB: My question is a three part question, really.

PHONE: Go right ahead!

DB: Where do you guys get your hot dogs, because they’re the best hot dogs I’ve ever had in my whole life. Also, are you seriously calling me to ask whether I got the junk mail you sent me? When did THAT start? And lastly, how did you get this number?

PHONE: (silence)

DB: Y’know, because this is really weird. Here I am hiking in a beautiful park, and all of a sudden I get a phone call from someone asking if I got their junk mail. Doesn’t that seem a little weird to you? Please take me off your phone list. Please.

PHONE: Thank you, sir, and if you have any more questions about “Race to Witch Mountain” or you would like to order tickets, feel free to call the number in your brochure.

DB: Is there a number for hot dogs? I do really like those.

PHONE: (click)