Posts Tagged ‘John McCain’


McCain is Wile E. Coyote

I believe that either today or tomorrow — and I’m not privy to his schedule — Sen. Obama will be landing in Iraq with some other senators” who make up a congressional delegation, McCain told a campaign fund-raising luncheon.

First John McCain goads Barack Obama into visiting Iraq. Then, according to Reuters, John McCain leaks the timing of Obama’s Iraq visit. The same John McCain who had argued that the press reporting his son was serving in Iraq would make him a target.When asked whether this was another example of his foreign policy expertise, McCain couldn’t reply, as he was busy ordering a giant anvil from ACME. 


This now officially the weirdest election I can remember

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

I think Paris Hilton just solved the energy crisis. I will now go into my room, get back into bed, and hope I wake up from this strange, strange dream.


McCain campaign predicts 15 kerbillion-point convention bump for Obama

The McCain campaign today circulated a memo predicting a huge post-convention bump in the polls for Barack Obama. “He should get anywhere from an eleventy-thousand to 15-kerbillion point bump” according to Sarah Simms, strategic advisor to the McCain campaign. “Anything less than that would clearly  indicate Obama’s abject failure to connect with the American people. Reporters and commentators on all broadcast networks are expected to accept the McCain campaign’s prediction at face value, and have already scheduled 4 weeks of “Obama didn’t perform as well as expected” coverage between mid-September and early November. When reminded by a reporter that “eleventy” isn’t an actual number, Simms replied “John McCain knows a thing or two about numbers; he had plenty of time to count the days he was locked up in a Vietnamese hell hole with only rats and bark to eat.” 


Sarah Palin Bush Cheney Rove’s speech last night

The talking heads on my tv are telling me Sarah Palin was very funny last night, and I have to agree. The funniest line in Palin’s speech was when she said something like “Let me tell you exactly what the mayor of a small town does,” and then she didn’t.



Can pedophiles even vote? (or “John McCain’s latest ad”)

John McCain is crazy like a fox. A real maverick. He’s like a fighter pilot, zig zagging all around to stay one step ahead, behind, or on top of his opponent. While Barack Obama’s skipping through small-town America trying to shore up his vote among the white working class, McCain (maverick that he is) is going after a heretofore untapped segment of the electorate: pedophiles.

I know, it surprised me too. But what other conclusion can one reach after seeing his latest ad castigating Obama for advocating legislation that would teach young children how to protect themselves against sexual predators?


Thanks for clearing that up

This has been going around the internets for a day or two. Anyone know who wrote it?:

Just to clear things up – I’m a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight….. If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you’re “exotic, different.”

Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers: a quintessential American story.

If your name is Barack you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

Name your kids Willow, Trig, and Track: you’re a maverick.

Graduate from Harvard Law School and you are unstable.

Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating: you’re well grounded.

If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate’s Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran’s Affairs committees, you don’t have any real leadership experience.

If your total resume is: local weather girl (sports caster), 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with fewer than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with 650,000 people, then you’re qualified to become the country’s second highest ranking executive.

If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 daughters, all within Protestant churches, you’re not a real Christian.

If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you’re a good moral Christian.

If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state’s school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you’re very responsible. If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family’s values don’t represent America’s.

If your husband is nicknamed “First Dude”, with at least one DUI conviction and no college education, who didn’t register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

OK, much clearer now…..


Katie Couric Must be Sexist

How else to explain these unexpectedly cruel “gotcha” questions?


Bootleg video of this Wednesday’s prez debate

I swung over to China this morning for some authentic Szechwan Style Red Snapper with a side of oppression. Afterward, I rolled through Shanghai’s America-town, where I found this bootleg copy of the upcoming third and final presidential debate. There’s a little off-color language, so don’t watch this at work:


“B” is for “Moron”

Ashley Todd and her scarlet letter

Never before have I been so pissed about my website being down. Yesterday, when I made my usual rounds of the Net’s preeminent hate sites, I came across a huge (HUGE) headline on the Drudge Report. Apparently a McCain volunteer had been viciously “mutilated.” She was a 20 year-old white girl, brutally attacked by a huge, dark skinned (of course) black man. He mugged her, and when he saw her McCain bumper sticker he flew into a rage, held her down, punched her, kicked her over and over again, and then carved a “B” (for “Barack”) into her face, to “teach her a lesson.”

 I’d heard this story before. We all have. Countless times. Only sometimes it’s a young white mother whose kids were stolen by a large black man (only later come to find out she was a little bit off in the details: her kids were actually sitting at the bottom of a lake where she’d put them days earlier).

I try to suspend my cynicism when I hear about things like this, because these sorts of attacks do occasionally happen. Thugs and monsters come in all colors, creeds, and shoe sizes. But then I got to the part of the article where it said she hadn’t gone to the hospital. And the part where her friend drove her around for a while until they found the place where the attack supposedly occurred. And the part where her photograph showed the “B” carved BACKWARD in her cheek, as if whoever had done it had been looking in a mirror.

But my website was down, so I couldn’t point out any of this. So I went to sleep, feeling 100% sure the hoax would be uncovered by morning. And sure enough it was. She made it up. This 20 year-old College Republican member from Texas, Ashley Todd, made the whole thing up. Reality wasn’t helping out in the whole “Obama and his supporters are scary, dangerous traitors” routine, so she had to do something. And who can blame her? She was raised in an era where her favorite party made a practice of fabricating their own facts when the real ones weren’t advantageous for them.

But at least she could’ve carved the “B” foreward. I hope that “B” she’s going to be carrying around for the rest of her life is a scarlet letter that’ll remind her, from now on, not to be such a moron.

On the bright side, when she’s out of jail, she’s got quite a career ahead of her in the Republican Party.