Unwrapping My iPhone 4!!!

I’d settled in cross-legged on my couch by the window, listening to the rustling of the palm trees that tower high over the neighborhood, and commiserating by phone with my ex about recent failed relationships. I realized two things: (1) She’s in a worse state than I am, and (2) that’s because I’d filled the gaping hole (left when “she who will not be named” ripped out my heart for a final time) by preordering the iPhone 4. …And by meditating, inhaling mass quantities of incense 24/7, focusing on the rest of my life, meeting great new people, blah blah blah… but mostly the iPhone 4.

And I realized something else: It hadn’t yet arrived.

Apple had sent me an e-mail two days ago promising to deliver it one day ahead of schedule, by 10:30 am on June 23. It felt like Christmas and my birthday were wrapped in $100 bills and delivered straight to my cotton candy house on a gold platter by friendly cheerleaders.

But here it was, 11:50, and still no iPhone. I wasn’t exactly obsessing over it as if it were the only thing that would distract me from heartache and despair. I’m sure there are plenty of other reasons I sat frozen behind my desk, checking the FedEx tracking info every ten minutes since I woke up at six. It’s not the only reason I ran up and down four flights of stairs half a dozen times hoping to spot the silhouette of the FedEx truck rounding the corner from Hollywood Blvd. That’s also good for the glutes.

My ex said she was glad she still has me to listen, or some such thing, when I heard “knock, knock, knock” on my front door. “Shut up,” I said. “It’s here.”

I rose from the couch. I could hear my own heartbeat. The carpet was squishy beneath my feet. The palm trees stopped talking. Time stopped as I floated, as if pulled by gravity toward the doorknob. I don’t even remember turning it or opening the door.

“IT’S HERE!!!” shouted the tiny, stocky, mustachioed, smiling FedEx delivery man. “Something’s going on,” he said. “Everybody’s at home waiting for these things. It’s like everyone called in sick to work or something. Sign here.”

As I walked slowly back to the couch with a small brown cardboard box containing my happiness, I started to wonder, “what next?” Now that I had this… now that I’d get to spend a few hours setting it up and playing with it… what did I have to look forward to? What would distract me from OH HELL NEVERMIND LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL CARDBOARD BOX.

What was I thinking about? I don’t remember. Something about… Hmmm… Oh well.

This is the point at which I heard the angels sing. They were actually pretty good, if you like that sort of thing.

Oh my God… When you hold this… This feels almost as good as the hand of a woman. I wonder if I can intertwine my fingers with this in some way.

Shhhh! My happiness has had a long trip from Shenzen, China, through Lampau Island, HK, Anchorage Alaska, Oakland, CA, all the way to here. I decided to let it rest up a little.

After we rested, I decided to put Apple’s claim of the iPhone 4 being “magical” to the test. Because I’m a skeptic. Maybe even a cynic.

My usual benchmark tests reveal that the new iPhone does perform better than the 3GS, but I’m not going to lie, results were mixed. The iPhone 4 failed to heal my sprained ankle…

…But it did succeed in parting the clouds.

Once I activate the new iPhone, I’ll post a re… um, I’ve gotta go, I think my ex is still on the phone.