I’m glad you guys e-mail me whenever the site’s down (and it’s been down four times since March ’08). My host sometimes isn’t what you’d call responsive (last time it was down it took three days for them to fix it), but this time they fixed it just five minutes after I submitted the trouble ticket. Of course, before they let me submit the ticket in the first place, I had to ping my site, run a traceroute and reroute the warp drive through the flux capacitors using my Mac’s “terminal” application (a command-line app that always reminds me why I haven’t touched a Windows PC since high school), and paste the results into the ticket. And THAT took about 45 minutes to complete while my readers were greeted with a blank white screen with tiny black letters that wrote “The e-mail could not be sent.
 Possible reason: your host may have disabled the mail() function…”.

During which time, Fox News published a study showing the following:

• 5% of you didn’t think “disabled the mail() function…” was as funny as yesterday’s strip.

•27% of male visitors between the ages of 12 and 109 hit “back” on their browsers to repeat their Google search for “Bush.”

•10% of Candorville readers lost interest and switched allegiance to “Beetle Bailey.”

This week, Candorville looks at torture, at a president who’d rather ignore it, and wonders what would’ve happened if that president had been at the helm the last time the whole world was focused on the issue of torture. It’s a sensitive issue, and as with all sensitive issues, it’s open to misinterpretation. For the benefit of those who wrongly think the point of this week’s series is that we’re just as bad as Japan, here’s an e-mail I received yesterday. Read it, then read my response which is included below it.

Hello Mr. Bell,

I am an occasional reader of your strip, Candorville. I felt it was necessary for me to voice my opinions about your cartoon published in the Washington Post on May 5th, 2009.

Sir, I happen to agree with your apparent sentiment that waterboarding is a cruel and unnecessary measure in interrogation of terror suspects. I believe that there is no place for inhumane or uncivilized tactics in this or any government or military service. However, I took offense to the way you expressed your beliefs on the matter in your cartoon.

I want to make abundantly clear that comparing the war crimes of the Japanese Empire to the modern practice of waterboarding is foolish and highly insensitive to those who were prisoners of the Japanese in the far east. Just because our veterans of the second world war are dying at an accelerating pace and disappearing does not give you the right to revision history and diminish what allied and civilian prisoners suffered through. Comparing having water dripped over your face to the horrific inhumane brutality that allied POWs experienced is a minor injustice. Waterboarding is not nearly as violent and horrible as being forced to watch your officers executed by beheading, being forced to consume your own excrement, being beaten constantly, often times to death. Not to mention the fact that the Japanese even crudely crucified some prisoners who vocally shared their Christian or Jewish beliefs. The Japanese forced millions of southeast Asian peoples into slave labor in order to build railroads to carry their oppression into India. roughly 11 million southeast Asians and a much smaller number of allied POWs died at the hands of the Japanese as they built these railroads.

There are many other atrocities committed by the Japanese Empire, but you probably get my point.

While I agree with your sentiment, your delivery was downright inappropriate. My Grandfather served during World War II in the pacific theater. I’m sure that if he were alive today, he would share my sentiments.

You do not need to do so, but I look forward to your response.

(P.S. I do enjoy your strip Sir!)

Very Respectfully,

[Name withheld by Candorville.com]
Cadet, Virginia Military Institute class of 2012
Naval Midshipman

And, my response:

Dear Mr. [Name withheld by Candorville.com],

Thanks for taking the time to write, and for occasionally reading Candorville. I’m glad you’ve given me the opportunity to clear up a few things. I’ll try to answer you point by point to make sure I don’t miss anything.

“Sir, I happen to agree with your apparent sentiment that waterboarding is a cruel and unnecessary measure in interrogation of terror suspects. I believe that there is no place for inhumane or uncivilized tactics in this or any government or military service. However, I took offense to the way you expressed your beliefs on the matter in your cartoon.

I want to make abundantly clear that comparing the war crimes of the Japanese Empire to the modern practice of waterboarding is foolish and highly insensitive to those who were prisoners of the Japanese in the far east.”

You’re reading too much into it. The cartoon is not comparing the act of waterboarding to the whole host of Japanese war crimes, it’s comparing it to Japanese waterboarding, and it does so for a reason. As I said on the Candorville website today: Waterboarding was one of the atrocities for which we prosecuted the Japanese after WW2. It’s a fact that we and the rest of the “civilized” world considered waterboarding to be torture. We considered it to be inhumane and sadistic. We did not attempt to dismiss it as “having water dripped over your face.” We considered it so far beyond the realm of acceptable wartime behavior that it deserved to be listed among all the other acts of barbarism the Japanese committed. It was wedged right in there, along with systematic rape, beheadings, and the other sadistic acts you mentioned. Of course, that was when it was done to OUR people. When it’s our people doing it, that’s when we start to rationalize it by saying it’s not as bad as the worst offenses other people commit.

Our government adopted one of the criminal tactics of the Imperial Japanese. THAT, not the person who points that out, is what’s insensitive to those who were prisoners of the Japanese in the far east.

“Just because our veterans of the second world war are dying at an accelerating pace and disappearing does not give you the right to revision history and diminish what allied and civilian prisoners suffered through.”

At the risk of repeating myself, pointing out that Japanese waterboarding was considered a war crime on par with all their others doesn’t diminish anyone’s suffering. Adopting any of the Imperial Japanese’ inhumane tactics (and accepting the Bush administration’s characterization of it as a relatively minor infraction) — that’s what diminishes what Allied prisoners suffered through. Portraying it as something that’s so relatively “minor” that it doesn’t even warrant use as an analogy, that’s what rewrites history.

“Waterboarding is not nearly as violent and horrible as being forced to watch your officers executed by beheading, being forced to consume your own excrement, being beaten constantly, often times to death. Not to mention the fact that the Japanese even crudely crucified some prisoners who vocally shared their Christian or Jewish beliefs. The Japanese forced millions of southeast Asian peoples into slave labor in order to build railroads to carry their oppression into India. roughly 11 million southeast Asians and a much smaller number of allied POWs died at the hands of the Japanese as they built these railroads.

There are many other atrocities committed by the Japanese Empire, but you probably get my point.”

I do, and I hope you’ll realize that in making your point, you’re also making my point for me. We adopted a criminal tactic from people like that. People who also found it perfectly acceptable to behead officers, force prisoners to eat excrement, beat them to death, crucify them, march them til they died, enslave them, etc. THESE are the people we took our lead from. And that is so disgraceful, so important, that we haveto acknowledge it. America has been hiding from this conversation for years. It’s time to stop pussyfooting around it and speak in stark, unequivocal terms.

“While I agree with your sentiment, your delivery was downright inappropriate. My Grandfather served during World War II in the pacific theater. I’m sure that if he were alive today, he would share my sentiments.”

Inappropriate is in the eye of the beholder. Candorville states what I consider to be harsh truths. It is undeniably true that we adopted a torture measure that we had previously condemned when it was committed against our own people. That is a fact. Us doing that was inappropriate. My pointing it out is not. My Grandfather also served during World War II in the Pacific theater (nearly died at Guadal Canal). I’ve been lucky in that he is still alive today. I’m at his house as I type this, making sure he understands the instructions for his new pills before I head home. I showed him your e-mail, and he wants me to tell you that while he appreciates your sentiments, he most definitely does not share them.

If I haven’t changed your mind about the wisdom of my commentary, I hope I’ve clarified my point and that you at least understand where I’m coming from a little better. I have nothing but respect for the veterans of World War 2, and it’s turned my stomach to see our country dishonor them by engaging in the same tactic as the people my grandfather fought against so long ago.

“(P.S. I do enjoy your strip Sir!)
Very Respectfully,
[Name witheld by Candorville.com]
Cadet, Virginia Military Institute class of 2012
Naval Midshipman”

Thanks! And thanks again for taking the time to write.

Respectfully,
Darrin Bell
http://www.candorville.com

The archives aren’t working so the only thing you can see for now is the current day’s strip. Sorry for the inconvenience, I’m looking into it & I’ll fix it as soon as I can. If any of you WordPress or Comicpress wizards know what might be wrong & how I might fix it, please shoot me an e-mail at candorville at gmail.com (replacing “at” with “@”).

UPDATE- Fixed it!

***EDIT – Only five more orders are needed to cover the cost of a print run of posters.***

Buy the Michael Jackson “Last Goodbye” series as a commemorative poster, and all profits will go to support one of Michael Jackson’s favorite charities. If enough orders come in to cover the printing and shipping costs by next week, I’ll go ahead and order a print run of posters (keep in mind it takes about 2 weeks to order a batch of posters and mail them out). If there aren’t enough orders by next week, whoever’s placed an order will get a full refund. Posters will come on 11″x17″ frame-ready card stock and shipping & handling are included in the price. All profits will be donated to Aids Project Los Angeles. Here’s how to order:

Domestic Orders: $15 (includes s&h) International Orders: $25 (includes s&h) 100% of the profits from this poster will be donated to Aids Project Los Angeles, one of MJ’s favorite charities.

I’m cross-posting this from the Candorville Facebook group (if you’re not already a fan, go there and become a fan already or I’ll have to give you the swine flu):

I’m a late addition to a cartoonists’ panel this Tuesday in LA’s Echo Park. It’s part of 826LA’s adult writing seminar series. I agreed to do it before I looked at the names of the other panelists, which was probably wise. I’ll explain:

I learned to write by reading comic books back in the early ’80s. Every report I would go on to turn in in school – whether it was about George Washington Carver or cell mitosis – would have a beginning, a middle and an end. A hero and a villain. A “B story.” An unexpected death (either literal or figurative) to raise the stakes at the beginning of Act Three. Enemies closing in and all seeming lost. A triumphant resurrection of either the deceased or his cause. Victory, pyrrhic or decisive. A final image that bookended and reversed the opening image. My teachers never knew why they loved my writing so much, but I always knew why I would get nothing but A’s and B’s even when I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about: Everything I turned in was structured exactly like a comic book story. Teachers are just people, and all people love stories.

To me, the masters of the craft were Chris Claremont (X-Men), Marv Wolfman (The New Teen Titans), and a couple new guys, Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman. I took the name of the evil multinational corporation (Trigon Corp) that’s trying to buy Lemont’s newspaper straight from Wolfman’s seminal New Teen Titans saga. Several of Candorville’s villains have been patterned at least a little on Wolfman’s Trigon.

So, who are the other cartoonists on this panel? The brilliant Lalo Alcaraz (La Cucaracha) and Jaime Hernandez (Love & Rockets), and MARV f-ing WOLFMAN! Man, when that guy speaks I’ll probably want to run around to the other side of the table, pull up a folding chair and take notes.

Tickets are still available at the 826LA website.

In a few hours I’ll be sending out a sneak preview of the next Candorville book cover to members of the Candorville Facebook fan club. If you want to see it, join the club.

Book 3 goes to the printer this evening, so it should be available for purchase in just a few weeks. It’s been a long wait since the last book, so this one’s going to be gigantic, with over 900 strips and will be sprinkled with obscure jokes about something that in ancient times was known as “The Bush Administration.”

The new Candorville collection: “Katrina’s Ghost,” is on sale now at Candorville.com. Just in time for War-on-Christmas!

PAPERBACK: $19.95

E-BOOK: $9.95

This is the first Candorville book in almost three years, so it’s HUGE. Over 650 (I stopped counting) comics, plus a mind-blowing preface I first wrote in my head while sitting at Sonic Burger (“mind-blowing” refers mainly to the effects of the aspartamy Diet Coke I was sucking down through a straw at the time).

In Volume 3: After one too many humorous rejections from the New Yorker, Lemont Brown starts his own blog. But will a breaking scandal force him into the spotlight before he’s ready? Will his unbelievable interviews with Hurricane Katrina survivors land him a Pulitzer, or a padded room? And why are socially-awkward Federal agents watching his every move? Meanwhile, C-Dog devises a half-dozen shameless ways to raise funds to publish his new CD. But can he kill off his newfound conscience before it destroys his misogynist street cred? And how can Susan Garcia win her promotion if she’s so busy keeping an eye on her backstabbing assistant and living in denial about Lemont’s life-shattering secret?

Buy it now in paperback, or as an ebook (for those of you who don’t have much cash or crave instant gratification – you know who you are).

My first order of “Katrina’s Ghost” sold out quickly, and all I have left are seven signed copies. I drew either Lemont or C-Dog in each of them. If you want a guarantee you’ll get them in time for Christmas, order today, because at this rate they’ll be gone by Wednesday.

The new Candorville collection: “Katrina’s Ghost,” has more than twice as many comics (nearly 700) as the last book. To order:

PAPERBACK: $19.95

E-BOOK: $9.95

OR… Get your signed copy (with a sketch) here.

ATTN Monterey County-ites: The Monterey Herald will be dropping Candorville on January 4 to make room for a local cartoonist. From the looks of it, Candorville was targeted because it was a more recent addition. If you’d like to see Candorville stay in the paper, send an email right NOW to mheditor@montereyherald.com and tell them so.

Space on the comics page is limited, and whenever a paper adds a strip, they have to lose an existing one. Too often, they choose to axe one of the newest additions because they think it hasn’t been there long enough for anyone to miss it. That’s why your local comics page seems to be filled with comics that are older and more boring than your parents. That’s why people under 40 are more likely to go online for their comics than they are to open a paper. And since the comics page is usually cited as the #1 reason people buy newspapers, that’s one of the reasons papers themselves are dying.

Candorville is dropped a lot less often than most new comics, but it still happens. Almost always, more than enough readers write in to convince editors they underestimated Candorville’s fan base, and they reinstate it. You can make that happen again. Remember the moral of “It’s a Wonderful Life”: Every time you save Candorville, a dead cartoonist gets his wings. Or something like that.

The more papers that run Candorville, the longer I can keep producing Candorville. It’s as simple as that. If you value it, write to the Monterey Herald today and tell them so. That’s the only way they’ll know what you want to see in your paper.

Thanks, and Happy Holidays!
-Darrin

This is from a couple months ago. Afterward we had a book signing, where I autographed copies of the new Candorville book, and Stephan autographed his new Pearls Before Swine Treasury, “Pearls Sells Out”. Then some friends and I narrowly escaped a dive bar before going to Denny’s, where I ordered extra carbs with cheese and an aspartame on the rocks. Good times.

Candor and Pearls: An Evening of Social Satire from the Comics Pages from Walnut Creek Library Foundation on Vimeo.